Stereotypically, birthdays are times of contemplation, introspection and general glossing over "should"s, "could have"s and "what if"s. At least, that's what Hollywood tells us and if Hollywood says something, it must be true... at least for the average Joe... who seems to be the average person, nowadays.
Unfortunately, - for Hollywood or for me, I haven't decided yet - I don't consider myself an average Joe. Never have, never will. Maybe my mom spoiled me, or I was born spoiled, I don't have the patience to dwell on that right now. The important thing is that I clung to that ridiculous adolescent ideal of uniqueness and of... well... being better than all that. Yeah, I know what you'll say, "Grow up already", "If you're so special, what do you have to show for it?" and all that... but I don't care. I am special because I give a damn and that's more than I can say for the average Joe. You see, my parents had the ridiculous idea of imbuing me with a self-destructive, impossible to adhere to moral code. They probably didn't know any better, but I can't blame them for that. I am doing the same with my own son and I, at least, should have known better... Then again, maybe I did. Maybe I did and I didn't care. I didn't care because I knew. I knew it was the only way to bring up a child, no matter what. Then again, maybe I'm just as stupid as the average Joe. You'll be the judge of that.
But here I am. I know that my precious ideals stunted my potential. Maybe I "could have", but I was fortunate enough to be able to decide and I decided not to. Regrets? No, certainly not! Time to reconsider? Maybe. I'm still fortunate enough to have choices. You know, when you make choices, it's all about priorities. The hard part is when the neglected priority number 4 suddenly proves to be linked to both priority number 3 and priority number 2, but in opposing ways. That is, pursuing number 4 moves you away from 2, but closer to 3. What do you do then?
Priorities are not database entries. They are not absolute. You can always give away some of number 2 for lots of number 3. So, it's a compromise, like most of everything else. Just as long as you don't betray priority number 1, that is...
So, priority number 1 is that stupid thing that my parents taught me, to be a decent person. That kind of limits the rest of the options. I won't tell you what 2 and 3 are, because they don't really matter. What matters is that you have to make a choice and that choice seems hard as hell. Sure, you'll sleep on it and the next day, the answer will be as clear as snow... Or will it?
Our capacity to deceive ourselves is admirable, indeed. Am I deceiving myself by overestimating the effect of priority number 4 on 2 and 3? Am I about to make a choice I will be looking back on, decades from now, as another "should have" or "could have"? Dunno. I have to rely on the state my brain will settle on, after tonight's sleep. I'll do my best to recognize and accept it.
After all, isn't that the best we can do, anyway?
Unfortunately, - for Hollywood or for me, I haven't decided yet - I don't consider myself an average Joe. Never have, never will. Maybe my mom spoiled me, or I was born spoiled, I don't have the patience to dwell on that right now. The important thing is that I clung to that ridiculous adolescent ideal of uniqueness and of... well... being better than all that. Yeah, I know what you'll say, "Grow up already", "If you're so special, what do you have to show for it?" and all that... but I don't care. I am special because I give a damn and that's more than I can say for the average Joe. You see, my parents had the ridiculous idea of imbuing me with a self-destructive, impossible to adhere to moral code. They probably didn't know any better, but I can't blame them for that. I am doing the same with my own son and I, at least, should have known better... Then again, maybe I did. Maybe I did and I didn't care. I didn't care because I knew. I knew it was the only way to bring up a child, no matter what. Then again, maybe I'm just as stupid as the average Joe. You'll be the judge of that.
But here I am. I know that my precious ideals stunted my potential. Maybe I "could have", but I was fortunate enough to be able to decide and I decided not to. Regrets? No, certainly not! Time to reconsider? Maybe. I'm still fortunate enough to have choices. You know, when you make choices, it's all about priorities. The hard part is when the neglected priority number 4 suddenly proves to be linked to both priority number 3 and priority number 2, but in opposing ways. That is, pursuing number 4 moves you away from 2, but closer to 3. What do you do then?
Priorities are not database entries. They are not absolute. You can always give away some of number 2 for lots of number 3. So, it's a compromise, like most of everything else. Just as long as you don't betray priority number 1, that is...
So, priority number 1 is that stupid thing that my parents taught me, to be a decent person. That kind of limits the rest of the options. I won't tell you what 2 and 3 are, because they don't really matter. What matters is that you have to make a choice and that choice seems hard as hell. Sure, you'll sleep on it and the next day, the answer will be as clear as snow... Or will it?
Our capacity to deceive ourselves is admirable, indeed. Am I deceiving myself by overestimating the effect of priority number 4 on 2 and 3? Am I about to make a choice I will be looking back on, decades from now, as another "should have" or "could have"? Dunno. I have to rely on the state my brain will settle on, after tonight's sleep. I'll do my best to recognize and accept it.
After all, isn't that the best we can do, anyway?
